happy birthday
friday 18 november 2005
I've been running away--from myself--for a week.
Not surprisingly, it's hard to get away.
It seems, as though I could be anywhere. Columbia, Washington, San Francisco, St. Louis, Birmingham, New York, Vancouver, Seoul, Manila, and I can't forget.
I can't.
Today is Clerk's birthday, and I wonder if he's having a party.
I'm sure he is.
If I had been invited, I wouldn't be here, on this hot, crowded island of strangers, a world away. If I had been invited, I wouldn't lie awake, wondering why, why, why, why, why?
If I had been invited, I wouldn't let the tears roll down my cheeks-- slow, hot, fat tears--and think, over and over again, what's wrong with me?
I've been running away--from myself--for a week.
Not surprisingly, it's hard to get away.
It seems, as though I could be anywhere. Columbia, Washington, San Francisco, St. Louis, Birmingham, New York, Vancouver, Seoul, Manila, and I can't forget.
I can't.
Today is Clerk's birthday, and I wonder if he's having a party.
I'm sure he is.
If I had been invited, I wouldn't be here, on this hot, crowded island of strangers, a world away. If I had been invited, I wouldn't lie awake, wondering why, why, why, why, why?
If I had been invited, I wouldn't let the tears roll down my cheeks-- slow, hot, fat tears--and think, over and over again, what's wrong with me?
posted 6:33 PM
2 Comments:
At 9:59 PM,
jennifer said…
babe, there is nothing wrong with you. YOU are brilliant, witty, beautiful, and amazing on so many levels.
the question you should ask is what is wrong with HIM?
At 3:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
it seems to me that one of the hardest things about living in this culture (especially in NYC) is the daily assault/affirmation that "you are in control" leading us to believe that if we only used our powers correctly, no task would be beyond our reach. as a result, we feel incredible guilty when things don't go as we'd planned because we are convinced that our "failure" is a direct and complete result of our actions. it's just not true. whether it's god or chaos or nature or fate - whatever language you use - you have to believe that there are more forces at work than just your own. there is nothing wrong with you. you did nothing wrong. this is not your fault.
and remember that you are loved.
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